Coping?

From May 4, 2006...












Over the last few days, I've wanted to blog about several things, but haven't. I want to be clear when I write about something, and I want it to be meaningful, so I struggle with what to blog and what not to. So I guess I'll just lay out what's been on my mind lately.
Dealing with the loss of our baby has been another hardship that many have to endure in life. It hurts, and strangely enough, it brings out other insecurities that we have, but it isn't insurmountable. We all have to learn how to deal with disappointments in life, but some are harder to swallow than others. Of course most of us come to the realization that we'll not be rich beyond our wildest dreams and our jobs may not even be what we'd like, but we find a way to move on anyway. We also may wonder "what if..." about many things in our past, but most normal functional adults find happiness in other things and try not to dwell on the disappointments in life. Lately, I've been wondering about some of my priorities in life and why I do what I do. Exercising is a smart thing to do because it's a stress reliever and the elevated heartrates are good for my heart and metabolism, etc... Then there's the competitive aspect of what I do. To really be competitive, I have to put in more hours of training and train harder I do for "maintenance" workouts and this takes away time from other things in my life. As I get older, it becomes more of a problem as other things move up on the priority list. This is frustrating because I don't feel I'm satisfied with my performance(s) in competitions. I don't know if I'll ever be completely satisfied and that scares me. It's easier to resolve myself to things I know I'll never have, but the things that ARE attainable, but are just out of reach (or seem to be) are starting to wear on my patience and tranquility. Once, I heard happiness defined as "Being content with what you have while working towards what you want." But what if you never achieve what you want? Then what?
Settling for mediocrity makes me so ill to my core that I find it intolerable. Especially for myself, but I find myself compromising all the time. Yeah everyone has to deal with this in life, but I HATE knowing that I've wasted potential.